Septomom Day 4: Marred with Children

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This iconic aspect of The Sims has so far remained unremarked upon by Septomom, but for the first time ever, Patty’s diamond is a sort of muddy, sludgy mustard colour instead of the brooding red it has hitherto been. These diamonds that float above the Sims’ heads, apart from symbolising the gossamer hand of fate pulling us by our vain hopes inexorably toward chaos and despair, are a handy dandy guide to a given Sim’s mood. Although Patty’s still isn’t the nuclear waste green that represents true happiness, as seen on the game’s cover art (and THE HULK’s epidermis), mustard is progress.

asdf

If you can tell what Patty is dreaming of, e-mail me at pattydreams@candontattitude.net.

Davy, having spent the entire night working to keep Patty’s children alive while she sleeps, decides to leave before the day has even begun. Typical! The least he could do is stay here forever and look after my children until he dies.

Septomom Day 3: Supernanny Returns

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I feel awful as Patty’s woken up by the blaring of the car’s horn. She hasn’t eaten or cleaned up her kids, nor has she studied “Living with Mutations,” the text she was given at work yesterday.

Of course, I have to shell out for a babysitter for the second day in a row. Of course, I pray today’s will be better than yesterday’s Davy Linell. Of course, when the babysitter arrives, it’s Davy Linell.

The babysitter agency must offer fantastic healthcare to have him back on the job so soon, because no more than sixteen hours after suffering a mental breakdown at this very address he’s diligently feeding and changing the children. All things considered, this minimum wage mental patient is doing a better job looking after these kids than their own mother.

Not much else happens while Davy is home alone with the kids. At one point the paperboy Skip Javeed makes his rounds, leaving today’s newspaper aside yesterday’s still-uncollected delivery. I spend the next twenty real-life minutes speculating about what the paperboy might think of this. Later still, the game cheerily gives me a popup telling me that some supermarket in the greater town is currently having a sale. Don’t you see what I’m busy with here, game? Are you trying to be cute, game? Do you think this is some kind of game, game?

asdf

“Oh no! This must be one of those houses with… th– th– th– the internet!”

By 1:30 P.M., Davy has fed, cleaned and put all of the children to bed without incident. Is it possible that the stress of yesterday has actually caused his mind to splinter, and as a coping mechanism, create an alternate and distinct personality who is really, really good at child care? And more importantly, can this blend of P.T.S.D. and voodoo be successfully applied to the children’s mother?

Septomom Day 2: Malcontent in the Middle

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It’s Patty’s second day of existence and her first day of work, and she has twice as many children as she’s had hours of sleep. Of course, before she can even eat breakfast a car arrives to whisk her to work. Suddenly I get a notice informing me that THE HULK cannot be left alone without a babysitter – probably not accurate to Marvel’s canon, but I capitulate as ever. While Patty stumbles off to work, I am introduced to the children’s guardian for the day: Davy Linell.

I dunno.

Davy Linell. Not pictured: a fashionable sweater.

It’s important to remember that until Patty returns from work I have no meaningful control over anyone in the Harper household. What I witness over the next few hours is a spiral of paranoia and decaying sanity straight out of The Shining.

[8:56 A.M.]
Davy’s first act as guardian is to take Albert into the bathroom and begin feeding him, in what what is now a Harper family tradition.

[9:09 A.M.]
Davy leaves Ablert on the floor of the bathroom to tend to Dana.

[9:26 A.M.]
Noticing that nearly every child needs to use the bathroom, I buy a potty and place it awkwardly inside the tiny bathroom area, where it remains unused for the rest of the day.

[9:50 A.M.]
It’s time for another feed, so Davy retrieves THE HULK from his crib, carries him out into the front yard and leaves him in the driveway.

[10:11 A.M.]
I turn on the television in the hopes that the noise will wake the children, and thereby prompt Davy to change them.

[11:14 A.M.]
The children eventually do wake up, but for reasons apparently located within the realm of quantum unpredictability.

Septomom Day 1: Welcome to My Humble Bundle Abode

If you don’t know what’s going on, click here to start at the beginning with the introductory post.

The game starts us idly on the front lawn of our empty house. The paper boy instantly arrives, but I make a point to usher him on his way in case I forget which kids I own and end up having to take him in too. I mean, eight kids, that would just be ridiculous.

“I’ll stick with a much more reasonable seven, thank you very much.”

I suppose furniture and food are the first priority, so I set Patty to check the newspaper for a job. While she handles that, I begin the arduous task of clicking on each child to individually send them inside the house, a task requiring about as much micro management as a competition-level game of StarCraft II.

Possible jobs: criminal (decoy), business (coffee courier), science (test subject) or military (latrine cleaner). Children are the future, so Patty takes the humiliating science job in the hopes of improving the future for all of the world’s children. Also to find a cure for THE HULK, or possibly just irradiate a wife for him. Even though the pay is actually the best of the four options, at $44 an hour it really isn’t going to get us very far. But maybe the scientific test subject job has other kinds of benefits – maybe as it is, Patty just isn’t being exposed to enough depleted uranium over the natural course of her day.

Septomom Introduction

About this feature:
I think parenting must be a lot like The Sims videogame series. You arrange meals. You furnish the home. You make everyone play nice. And if they’ve done their homework, you allow the kids an hour of television to keep them out of trouble while you drown in one of your two swimming pools.

The Sims 3 cover

I sense a diamond motif…

The Sims 3, released in June of 2009 by EA, is a life simulation game revolving around a household of Sims (simulated avatars) who go about living their tiny lives whilst the player is free to intervene, for better or for worse. Your Sims will get jobs, make friends and even fall in love and procreate. The game imposes few rules, offers no explicit goals and carries no discrete failure state outside of the death of your Sims – it’s up to you to take your own fun as far as you can, as in real life.

But unlike real life, The Sims offers unabashed and unrestrained potential for wish-fulfillment. In real life you’re just some poor shmoe trying to make ends meet. But in The Sims you’re Emperor Shmoe, and your courtesans regularly meet at the end of your penis.

In this however-many-part series, I hope to use The Sims 3 to explore the life of a Sim whose existence isn’t a game at all. I will be playing The Sims 3 as a single mother taking care of her seven infants – the most extreme number of Sims the game allows in a single household. If we’re professing scientific rigour then I suppose the stated aim here is to see how long it takes for me to lose every single child to welfare services, or more ghoulishly, death (what I understand parent-types call “The Big Welfare Services in the Sky”).

[sic]ness: ActuallyJesus368

Wikipedia is a great many things to a great many people, and we often take for granted the army of dedicated writers and editors responsible for its versatility – people who, just like the encyclopedia itself, are complex, multifaceted and perhaps inscrutable. With this series of interviews I hope to elucidate the underrepresented, the modest and the invisible.

The following interview was transcribed from a Skype voice call:

Zane: I’d like to start by thanking you for taking time out to speak to me. Out of all the people in the history of Wikipedia, you have – by far – the most edits.

ActuallyJesus368: Please, I don’t do it for the recognition!

Z: But it’s safe to say you’re the most dedicated of all Wikipedia editors.

A: I wouldn’t devote myself to it if it wasn’t important.

Z: Tell me what began your Wikipedia journey. What was the first thing that jumped out at you that you thought you could improve?

A: I’d have to say the userbase.

Z: That’s a very holistic approach to education. I’m sure Jimmy Wales would agree with you.

A: Yes, Jimmy Wales. The false prophet. The dark one.

Z: (Laughs) I’ve heard other Wikipedia users say the same thing! You do focus on an amazingly diverse range of topics, though. I’m just thumbing through your edit history now…

A: Just as my grace overlooks no creeds, there are no articles to be excluded from my flock.

Z: Uh, sure…

A: I need to spread the word as far and wide as possible.

Z: The word?

A: Yes. The good news.

Z: The good news… about what?

A: The good news that I am literally Jesus.

(Silence)

Z: Oh. That is good news.

[sic]ness: Anon_Revolution_420_69

Wikipedia is a great many things to a great many people, and we often take for granted the army of dedicated writers and editors responsible for its versatility – people who, just like the encyclopedia itself, are complex, multifaceted and perhaps inscrutable. With this series of interviews I hope to elucidate the underrepresented, the modest and the invisible.

The following interview was conducted over Skype instant messaging:

Zane: Thanks for taking the time for this interview. I understand you value anonymity, so I appreciate your candour. You mentioned that you’re a member of an underground organisation staunchly dedicated to uncovering the corruption of the world’s governments.

Anon_Revolution_420_69: lol yea :P

Z: Can you shed some light on your organisation’s goals?

A: basically were going to stop wikipedia from suppressing our edits that theyre not ready to hear, and make wikipedia truly free

Z: I don’t think Wikipedia could get any more free. Its motto is “The Free Encyclopedia.”

A: no, wikipedia claims there democratic but u can veto any edit on any page so long as ur the majority

Z: That is literally the definition of a democracy.

A: so your one of them

[sic]ness: Mr. Smith Goes to White Castle

Wikipedia is a great many things to a great many people, and we often take for granted the army of dedicated writers and editors responsible for its versatility – people who, just like the encyclopedia itself, are complex, multifaceted and perhaps inscrutable. With this series of interviews I hope to elucidate the underrepresented, the modest and the invisible.

The following interview was transcribed from a Skype voice call:

Zane: Thanks for taking the time for this interview.

Mr. Smith Goes to White Castle: No problem, I always enjoy educating others.

Z: So, what kind of things do you do on Wikipedia? You mentioned in our e-mails that you’re very active, and-

Mr.: I’m a writer, a critic, a journalist, a curator of great works, and a humble janitor.

(Silence)

Mr.: Mostly film synopses.

Spoilers: Mutant X

About this feature:
In this feature I’ll be recounting, with minimal research, my experience watching the final episode of a television series I’ve otherwise never seen before. Today’s series is Mutant X, produced from 2001 to 2004.

My own concept for a series starring myself, “Mutant Z”, was not as well received.

My own concept for a series starring myself, “Mutant Z,” was not as well received.

What I already know about Mutant X:
From the name alone I can glean it features mutants, probably solving mysteries, defeating baddies and fighting for a world that doesn’t understand them. I also provide the following assumption: that the ringleader of aforementioned baddie syndicate is a giant mutated talking letter X. I know that to the untrained masses my detective work may seem implausibly naïve or ignorant – but keep in mind that no creative team would waste title space on a letter of no significance. Now, some cynical few may argue that the X is really just an attempt to associate with Marvel’s popular X-Men franchise. My rebuttal is simple: it couldn’t be, because X-Men never featured a giant mutated talking letter X.

Judging from the few commercials I caught in the past, I can’t say the show is visually great – it suffers from a clear case of C.G.itis. That is, it suffers from an abundance of cheap, early-2000s computer effects. Being harshly honest, the show looks like it couldn’t even afford the two additional “X”s in its name to qualify as a porno.