[sic]ness: ActuallyJesus368

Wikipedia is a great many things to a great many people, and we often take for granted the army of dedicated writers and editors responsible for its versatility – people who, just like the encyclopedia itself, are complex, multifaceted and perhaps inscrutable. With this series of interviews I hope to elucidate the underrepresented, the modest and the invisible.

The following interview was transcribed from a Skype voice call:

Zane: I’d like to start by thanking you for taking time out to speak to me. Out of all the people in the history of Wikipedia, you have – by far – the most edits.

ActuallyJesus368: Please, I don’t do it for the recognition!

Z: But it’s safe to say you’re the most dedicated of all Wikipedia editors.

A: I wouldn’t devote myself to it if it wasn’t important.

Z: Tell me what began your Wikipedia journey. What was the first thing that jumped out at you that you thought you could improve?

A: I’d have to say the userbase.

Z: That’s a very holistic approach to education. I’m sure Jimmy Wales would agree with you.

A: Yes, Jimmy Wales. The false prophet. The dark one.

Z: (Laughs) I’ve heard other Wikipedia users say the same thing! You do focus on an amazingly diverse range of topics, though. I’m just thumbing through your edit history now…

A: Just as my grace overlooks no creeds, there are no articles to be excluded from my flock.

Z: Uh, sure…

A: I need to spread the word as far and wide as possible.

Z: The word?

A: Yes. The good news.

Z: The good news… about what?

A: The good news that I am literally Jesus.

(Silence)

Z: Oh. That is good news.

A: Think about it: what person doesn’t look at Wikipedia at least once a day? For all I know, some poor, wretched potential convert might be browsing, say–

Z: “History of the FIFA World Cup”?

A: Precisely! Or–

Z: “48th Annual Grammy Awards”?

A: Or–

Z: “Space programme of Kenya.”

A: Now you’re getting it! Through Wikipedia I can really reach the common man with my–

Z: Or “List of The Powerpuff Girls characters”?

A: I think that time I was just fixing a typo.

Z: So you’re telling me that your edits – and you’ve made hundreds of thousands of edits – your edits are just you going around to random pages adding information about how you’re Jesus?

A: Wikipedia will be the New New Testament.

Z: Wouldn’t edits like that just be reverted within, say, an hour? Wouldn’t you just get banned?

A: Oh, the trials I face. The number in my username? I’ve been forced to create 368 accounts simply to stay ahead of the hypocrites who seek to destroy my reputation by banning me again and again, just as they banned me from Earth two thousand years ago.

Z: Have you ever tried to become an admin? Then you could edit with impunity.

A: All earthly status is meaningless. In Heaven, I am Admin of Admins.

Z: You’re persistent then, even when the entire site is against you.

A: With time my sway will grow. Through my edits I will convert the sinners and sodomites, and then eventually Wikipedia itself – or, as I like to call it, “Wickedpedia.” (Laughs uproariously)

Z: You’re “converting” Wikipedia too, somehow?

A: Used to be you had a problem, you’d pray to God and you’d be sure to get results!

Z: Even if that result was no results.

A: Now if someone has a problem or needs some answers, where do they go?

Z: Goog–

A: Wikipedia! If you haven’t noticed, after a pretty solid 6,000 year run the Bible has finally been replaced as the primary source for all human wisdom – by Wikipedia.

Z: Y’know, I think “primary source for all human wisdom” has been outside the Bible’s wheelhouse for a while now.

A: Now Wikipedia is assumed to be all-knowing and infallible, and now with smart phones and tablets, it’s omnipresent too! Soon people will be worshipping Wikipedia in churches all over the world as the new god. (Adopts a mocking tone) “O, deliver unto me a holy My Name is Earl episode list,” they’ll say.

(Silence)

Z: Well, (Breathes out heavily) this has been enlightening. I think we’ve really touched upon everything we need to and also a lot that we really didn’t need to. Do you, uh, want to go ahead and add anything before we finish up?

A: If I could, I would like to extend a message of gratefulness to my mortal disciples. Whether it is first century A.D. in Jerusalem or 2014 A.D. on Wikipedia, all people who do good works will be regarded equally in Heaven. Matthew, Mark, Luke, JerkyMonkey88, The_Fistula, Columbine420 and John. These are the names that will be remembered next to mine.

Z: And the best thing is, The_Fistula can’t sell you out for twenty silver pieces because, according to his profile page, he’s already in prison.

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